Date: June 17th, 2017 1:11 AM
Author: tree man
Subject: Enough is enough
Ever since July 4, 2016, you have seen fit to hold several rude congresses with my wife in her bedroom, directly above my study. As a feminist, I support my wife's sexual freedom and right to explore. However, please be aware that this is a residential neighborhood, and that your mingled grunts and moans are criminally audible, even above the boom box. Chaddick woke me up the last time you were here, because he was scared someone was killing his Mommy.
As a courtesy to everyone, would you mind escorting my wife to any of several nearby hotels the next time you have a date planned? I can reimburse the expenses, if you let me know in advance. My wife and I have discussed this before, but she is understandably eager to commence coitus whenever you come over and consequently heedless to logistics.
On a personal note, Donald Trump is not my president and I do not appreciate you donning a "Make America Great Again" hat when you visit our home. Nor am I amused by your muscular efforts to make me do likewise.
I hope this letter doesn't offend you, but it's important to clear the air. I am glad that you and my wife get along.